The Price of Secondary Gain

“When we’ve finally had enough, and we can no longer take the pain of our situation one moment longer, we make a decision that things are going to be different, even if we don’t yet know how, and from that one decision EVERYTHING changes. And I mean EVERYTHING”. Kim Knight

A life changing opportunity awaits if you are ready…

If you’re experiencing stuckness, overwhelm, life crisis or an ongoing health complaint, how would it be if within 3 to 6 months from now your life was radically different? How would that feel? What difference would that make? 

In order to help you make this decision, I invite you to stop for a moment and ask yourself the following:

  1. If you’re currently experiencing stuckness, stress, anxiety, overwhelm or a chronic health issue, how is this impacting your ability to lead a normal life?
  2. If you stay exactly where you are, what will your life look like 3, 6, 12 months from now?
  3. If you resolve or make significant progress with this issue in the next 3 to 6 months, what difference will this make in your life? And how will that feel? What will you be doing differently in your life?

One of the most frequent comments I hear from people who are wanting a change in their circumstances are phrases like ‘I don’t have the time, money, energy’ etc…

But here’s the problem: if we don’t do something different, nothing changes, and we stay exactly where we are.

Interestingly enough, in every case, when we dig deep beneath the ‘mind reasons’ which feel so real and true, we find there is something else lurking beneath the reason our mind is giving us, which surprisingly have very little to do with the reason our mind is giving us:

In almost every case we find there is a hidden fear around change and what it will mean if our life changes in the way we are saying we want it to. In psychology we call this a ‘secondary gain’.

For example, if we start acting differently and stand up to our partner / parents / in laws / work colleagues… we fear ‘they won’t like me any more’ , and instead we find ourselves keeping our feelings to ourselves to ‘keep the peace’ and avoid feeling rejected.

Or we may prevent ourselves from getting well or clearing depression because deep down we are afraid of being truly happy or successful, because ‘what will other people think of me if I get better and am abundant and successful?’.

There are 4 core fears which prevent humans from being their authentic self

This relates to the fact that deep down there are 4 core fears which prevent humans from being their authentic self: the fear of losing someone, the fear of rejection, the fear of feeling our feelings, and the fear of feeling vulnerable. And underneath all of that is the fear of not being loved and accepted unconditionally.

So we find what really is stopping us taking action on our situation has much less to do with lack of money or time, and more about much deeper insecurities relating to being truly happy and successful. Sounds crazy right? But it’s true. And I know this from personal experience.

The pain of change must become stronger than the pain of staying where we are

I have also observed that not taking action to get the help we really need is often because we have not yet reached the point where we have absolutely had enough of our current situation and will do whatever it takes to change. This point must be reached before we take action. In other words, the pain of change must become stronger than the pain of staying where we are!

As the saying goes ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result’.

At some point, we have to risk doing something new and possibly unfamiliar; we have to make a decision to do something different.

This will require that we step out of our comfort zone and do what may feel uncomfortable. And it is likely to stretch us.

Recently I worked with a client who signed up for private coaching, and then 2 days later got ‘cold feet’. However, we started working together, and just 3 weeks later she wrote to tell me how the fear which had arisen in her was just the fear of change, and how happy she was that she had pushed through the fear, and today her life is already radically changed after just a few weeks.

Often the lack of money also seems like the reason for not taking action.

But think about this for a second: if a dear family member, partner or child suddenly needed life-threatening surgery within 7 days, and the only possibility of survival was to find $20,000, or even $100,000, for a life-saving operation within a week, would you find the money? Of course you would! You would create a miracle to make that happen! But do we do this for ourselves? Hardly ever!

But when we’ve finally had enough, and we can no longer take the pain of our situation one moment longer, we make a decision that things are going to be different, and from that one decision EVERYTHING changes. And I mean EVERYTHING.

Take Phyl for example, who is 88 years young. She decided after 55 years of chronic fatigue and depression that she was simply NOT going to spend the rest of her life in pain anymore. She made a resolute decision she WOULD find a way to change, and would 100% commit herself to that change. She phoned me, said she wanted to do my online program, and bamm, 6 months later she was 90% recovered!

So what was it that brought the results? Firstly her absolute determination that she was going to change things, and secondly her commitment to following through with the advice and guidance she was given.

This was exactly how it happened for me too.

After 3 months of sitting on my couch after being diagnosed with chronic fatigue, unable to do anything, I decided one day NO, I will not live my life like this anymore. I WILL find a way to get better and I WILL do whatever it takes. That decision changed my life.

Whilst it took me several more years to find the solutions, I now short-cut the same level of transformation for most clients into just a few short months. 

The point is, this commitment to change is absolutely key to success. I have written about this more than once in several blogs (see the links further down) and talked about it in many videos: the decision to change, and do whatever it takes to get a different result, is the absolute first step in change. Without it nothing happens.

So if you can answer the following question with a resounding YES, then you are ready for change:


Are you ready to take absolute committed action to change what is turning up in your life right now? Do you want your life to look very different (and by that I mean better and even radically better) in just a few months from now?

If the answer is yes, then I can tell you the change you are looking for is possible, and sooner and quicker than you may ever have imagined!


Here are a few past blogs I have written on this topic:

The price of progress

The preciousness of life

The true cost of staying unhappy or unwell

The 8 roadblocks to healing

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