Toxic people – do you know how to deal with them?

When we have a backlog of emotions like fear, grief, disappointment, anger, sadness and frustration inside of us, it literally changes the biochemical make up of our cells, and it changes how we feel, think and act the world. We become toxic!

I was reminded this week of what it’s like to experience and have to deal with ‘toxic’ people.

Unfortunately this is a far-too common experience for many of us.

For a long time I did not recognize the signs of a toxic person. This was because I grew up in a family where it was ‘the norm’ to be dumped on by one particular family member. I just got used to being put down, critisized, judged and humiliated and never thought it could be any different.

Unfortunately if we experience such behaviour in childhood we can grow up into adulthood tolerating this kind of behaviour and thinking it’s the norm and ‘we just have to put up with it’.

I can assure you nothing could be further from the truth. It’s never OK to tolerate nasty behaviour from others.

So how do you know if you have a ‘toxic’ person on your hands, and how do you manage them?

First of all let’s define a toxic person and understand why they are the way they are.

A TOXIC PERSON DEFINED

A toxic person will often or usually have a very negative outlook on life, and this will be demonstrated by the words that come out of their mouth, and their actions.

If you say something ‘positive’ they will turn it into a negative. They will put you down, demean, critisize, be sarcastic, judgemental, mean, cruel, unkind and more. They may have an ‘acid’ tongue (and I’ll explain the literal meaning of this in a moment).

For example, you come home with a joyous piece of news, you’re feeling really great, and you just want to share your joy. They immediately belittle, put down or ignore what you have to say, crushing your happiness in a second.

They always seem to be in a bad mood, they have nothing good to say. They are just plain miserable, inside and out.

SO WHY ARE TOXIC PEOPLE TOXIC?

As I mentioned above, toxic people have an ‘acid tongue’. This is literally because they are over-acidic inside at a biochemical level! If you were to get a PH thermometer and pop it in their mouth, it would show high on the acidity scale, and as humans we are meant to have a more alkaline balance.

So why are they so physically and emotionally acidic?

Because of the acid emotions they still have stored inside them!

When we have a backlog of emotions like fear, grief, disappointment, anger, sadness and frustration inside of us, it literally changes the biochemical make up of our cells, and it changes how we feel, think and act in the world! We become physically and emotionally toxic!

So why are all these stored emotions stuck in their body?

Because they have not had the opportunity to heal themselves from the pain they experienced growing up, from the toxic environment around them. Deep inside they are in pain.

And so the hurt and anger that is still inside seeps out onto others.  And sometimes it just splurges out, a pseudo ‘vomiting’ of toxicity onto others.

And what’s really hiding underneath this behaviour?

A deep cry for love and attention. 

As humans we have a deep need for love and affection, and if these needs are not met during the early formative years of life (0-7 years), we will continue to try and get them met in adulthood, but if we are completely unconscious to the back log of stored unhappiness inside of us, it will come out by unconsciously dumping the pain on others.

Dumping and projecting our pain onto others is the universes’ way of trying to get our attention to the fact that we ourselves are not happy.

But the problem is, until we see ourselves we cannot see any of the meaning in all of this. And so we project our unhappiness onto others, blaming the outside world for our own unhappiness, and it’s all happening unconsciously…. until it becomes conscious and we become self aware.

It’s essential to understand that no matter how much another person is hurting or is unconscious about their feelings, they do not have the right to take it out on someone else. This is verbal and emotional abuse.

So how do I know all this to be true?

Because I was one of those people that ‘dumped’ my anger onto others. I had no idea at the time I was doing it. I had no idea I had years of trauma and stored hurt inside of me. I had no idea this was why I sulked and was sullen as a child, or why I often felt impatient and intolerant with others. I had no idea this was why I would get angry at the smallest thing or shout at people down the phone for no reason!

It’s taken years of emotional clearing work to clear away much of this backlog, and there’s still some left! But at least when I feel emotions now, and have the urge to ‘dump’ on someone I have the self-awareness to know it’s MY stuff, not someone else’s. I can now refrain from taking it out on others, and instead own my feelings, process them myself, and then have more self-compassion for the little girl inside who never got the love she desperately wanted and needed from her parents. And if I do ever find the old toxic energy seeping out onto others, I front up, own up and apologize, which in turn heals my own heart.

And this is what we all have to do, especially if we have this backlog of emotions. We have to take full responsibility for our feelings and learn how to heal ourselves.

Because the thing is, only WE can change our life and change how we feel. And all the power to do so is inside of us, we just have to know how.

We teach people how to treat us

SO HOW TO DEAL WITH TOXIC PEOPLE?

So, coming back to how do we deal with people when they are toxic, and unconsciously dumping all their hurt and pain on us?

It’s essential to understand that no matter how much another person is hurting or is unconscious about their feelings, they do not have the right to take it out on someone else. This is verbal and emotional abuse.

You will know when someone has not treated you right because your heart and gut brains will tell you so. You will cringe inside, feel ‘gutted’ (gut brain) and ‘hurt’ (heart brain). This is your body intelligence telling you it doesn’t feel right and it’s not OK. This is your internal emotional self defence system at work. (By the way, I have videos on Youtube about the 3 brains).

Now it’s up to you to do something about it, because no-one else can. It’s up to you to put a stop to such behaviour. And in the words of Dr Phil “we teach people how to treat us”.

So it’s up to us to learn how to put up clear boundaries and say ‘no’. It’s up to us to learn how to express our feelings honestly so that toxic emotions don’t build up inside of us. We have to learn it’s OK and necessary to meet our own needs. We have to learn we have a right to be happy and stand up for our self.

Teaching people how to be assertive and self-confident is something I spend a lot of time doing with clients. Learning how to be self-empowered is one of the most important and valuable lessons we can and must learn. And in every case so far, anyone I have worked with who has a chronic illness (eg chronic fatigue, depression, fibromyalgia, IBS etc) has a backlog of old hurts and emotional pains inside which need clearing).

You are not here to be anyone’s emotional punching bag. 

So next time you have a toxic person in your life dump on you, know that it doesn’t have to be this way. You are not here to be someone else’s emotional punching bag so that they don’t have to deal with their own unhappiness. (Unless you choose to do so. It’s really up to you!)

So have you had enough of this behaviour? Do you want a different way?

If you want to know how to say no, how to speak your truth, how to put a stop to toxic people in your life, this is exactly what I love helping people do.

Do join me in one of my online self help or live training programs. Because I want to help you be the happiest person you can be, and deserve to be.

And here’s a handy tip I’ve learned from 12 years of helping people put a stop to toxic partners, children, parents, friends, bosses, colleagues….

When we change our behaviour towards these people, they change their behaviour towards us, because they can no longer play the game! It works I can assure you, but often we are the ones who have to take the first step, or nothing will change.

And another tip – they become happier once a healthier emotional environment is established!

I will be going into more detail on this on my ‘Stop Bullies Now’ program (coming soon – keep an eye on my website or if you are signed up on any of my free programs you will get notification!).

Or you may wish to join my ‘Stop Depression Now’ program which also teaches how to identify and clear the backlog of emotions which build up to become ‘de-pression’.

Until then, stay strong and don’t put up with toxic people in your life! You are not here to be someone else’s emotional punch bag.

Kim

The Kiwi Health Detective

www.kimknighthealth.com

Image courtesy of www.stockunlimited.com 

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